


breathe

by sunsetveins



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Feels, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Assault, Blood, Discrimination, Good Boyfriend Magnus Bane, Hate Crimes, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Panic Attacks, Violence, after these dicks hurt someone, alec is really torn up, george is okay btw, i wrote this in an hour it probs isnt good, idk what else to tag, so alec has a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 20:30:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12919677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetveins/pseuds/sunsetveins
Summary: “I wasn’t expecting it,” he starts, breath catching. “His name is George. George Highsmith. He’s this kid, you know? By the angel, he’s barely fifteen. I was getting ready to leave, like I had texted you, and - “Alec closes his eyes and takes several long, deep breaths.or the one where Alec witnesses some of his fellow Shadowhunters assaulting another Shadowhunter because he's gay. He doesn't handle it well, but Magnus is there for him.Warning for descriptions of violence against a LGBT teen for being LGBT and the use of a certain derogatory term.





	breathe

**Author's Note:**

> there is descriptions of violence. there is homophobic language. blood is talked about a lot. just thought i'd warn you again.

Alec can’t breathe. He’s about five minutes away from home, and he can’t breathe.

The world is spinning so quickly that Alec can hardly keep up, his vision swirling and his feet moving in every direction but straight forward. He’s surprised that he’s still standing, if he’s honest, because he can’t see and he can’t breathe, and all he wants to do is slide to the ground and cry until he can’t cry anymore.

It all happened so fast, is the thing. Alec never saw it coming. 

One minute, he was texting Magnus that he was on his way home. The next? There was chaos and blood, so much blood that Alec can still see it when he closes his eyes. He can smell it, feel it caked on his hands and under his nails. It’s still staining the front of his shirt and both of his hands, all the way up his arms and down his chest. It’s still crusted in his hair and across parts of his face. He can’t escape it. He can’t breathe.

He can see the front door now - _how did he get here?_ \- and his chest burns. He stumbles his way to the door, to where he knows Magnus is, where he’s safe. He can’t force his hands to stop shaking long enough for him to be able to twist the door knob. The wards seem to sense his distress, and the door opens anyway.

 _“Alexander!”_ is all he hears before he’s suddenly on the floor. There are arms wrapped tightly around him in seconds, the scent of sandalwood invades his senses. He knows it’s Magnus. He knows he’s home. Some part of him let’s go at the knowledge, and he can’t keep himself from sobbing.

“ _Magnus, I -_ ” he gasps. “Magnus, I can’t breathe.”

“It’s alright, darling. It’s going to be okay. Just calm down.” Magnus sounds calm, but Alec can hear the panic, feel it as Magnus’ hands run up and down his arms in nervous tremors. 

Magnus suddenly stops moving his hands, and instead he grabs Alec’s hand and brings it to his own chest. Alec’s frantic gasping stutters just slightly as he registers the thumping of Magnus’ heart beneath his palm.

“You feel that?” Magnus asks, sounding nearly as breathless as Alec. “Try and focus on that, okay? You can breathe, Alexander, I promise. _Please_ , just breathe for me.”

It isn’t instantaneous, but Alec tries. He lets everything narrow down to the beating of Magnus’ heart. He attempts to slow his gasping, and eventually he’s taking shaky breaths that don’t burn his lungs. He takes them in time with the _thumpthumpthump_ beneath his fingertips.

“There you go, darling,” Magnus murmurs. “You’re doing great.”

They stay there on the floor until Alec slumps against Magnus’ chest, and it’s only then that Magnus makes the suggestion that they move to their bed. Alec is clean of every last trace of the blood that caked his body before he ever touches the sheets.

-

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Magnus asks hesitantly, nearly two hours later, arms tightening around Alec’s waist as his boyfriend tenses. Alec nods slowly.

“I wasn’t expecting it,” he starts, breath catching. “His name is George. George Highsmith. He’s this kid, you know? _By the angel_ , he’s barely fifteen. I was getting ready to leave, like I had texted you, and - “ 

Alec closes his eyes and takes several long, deep breaths. 

“And then I heard George scream. It was awful, Magnus. He was screaming and these men - _these wastes of space_ \- were just hurting him. They were taunting him, calling him these awful names, and telling him that he doesn’t deserve to live. Doesn’t - doesn’t deserve to be a Shadowhunter because - “ Alec cuts himself off, shaking his head violently as his body trembles. “Because he’s a _nasty fag._ ”

Magnus freezes, and he’d like to be able to say that it’s because he wasn’t expecting it, but he’d be lying through his teeth. Magnus has known Shadowhunters that have said far worse to him, to his face, and he’s seen horrors committed that he knows Alexander wouldn’t be able to stomach. So no, Magnus does not freeze because he is surprised. He freezes because he remembers the blood smeared across Alec’s face. He freezes because he can still feel it seeping into his clothes as he rocked Alec back and forth on the floor. His boyfriend was drenched in it, and he suddenly can’t see anything but red seas and Alexander’s voice calling for help that would never come. He’s suddenly livid and horrified. 

He suddenly can’t breathe.

“I couldn’t move,” Alec continues, because he can’t see the terror painted across Magnus’ features, “and suddenly there were blades and blood was _everywhere._ It was on the floor, and I was kneeling in it. It was pouring from wounds that I couldn’t see, covering my hands and my arms and my clothes. I tried to help him, I don’t remember what I did to those men, but I tried to help George. The men were on the blood soaked floor and I was pressing my hands onto every gash that I could find. I screamed and I screamed, but no one ever seemed to hear me. This was happening in my Institute and no one knew. No one knew that George was bleeding all over my floor. No one knew that those men were saying those awful things in my building, to my Shadowhunters. No one knew that I couldn’t breathe because I was drowning in George’s blood, in his screams. _Angel…_ ”

“Were you hurt?” Magnus whispers. Alec tilts his head up to look at him. 

“No,” Alec says. “Not physically. I just… I couldn’t _breathe,_ Magnus.”

“I know, darling. I’m so sorry.”

“I was scared,” Alec admits, and it takes Magnus a second to realize that he’s crying. “I was terrified, and I was so _angry._ ”

It’s in that moment, when Alec’s voice cracks on the last word, that Magnus realizes what Alec is trying to tell him. What Alec believes in his heart to be true.

“It isn’t your fault, Alexander,” Magnus insists, because of course that’s where Alec’s mind would take him. 

“Isn’t it, though? Who else could be at fault for this?” 

“The men that hurt George, Alexander,” Magnus answers. “Those men. It’s their fault, because they’re hateful and terrible. They’re monsters. You could never be at fault for their actions, darling. You tried to help George. You knew what was happening was wrong, and you reacted. I’m sorry that it happened. I’m sorry that George was hurt, that you were hurt. I would give anything to keep you safe from the injustices of this world, but there are too many, my love. This world is ugly, and our Shadow World is even more so. But you, my Alexander? You’re beautiful. You and your endless kindness, your straight-forward view of life and love. You’re a ray of light in an otherwise dark earth. You’re the beauty in the pain, Alexander. I only wish you could see it.” 

Alec is silent, and it worries Magnus for only a moment. The tears soaking through his shirt tell him everything he needs to know.

“Please don’t cry, love,” Magnus begs. Alec begins to shake.

“I love you so much,” Alec mumbles into Magnus’ chest. “Thank you.”

For the first time since Alec arrived home, Magnus smiles.

“I love you, too,” Magnus says, “and we’ll deal with what happened today like we deal with everything else, okay?”

His eyes are red and his cheeks are damp, but Alec is still the most beautiful thing that Magnus has ever seen when he lifts his head and asks, “How’s that?”

“Together,” Magnus says simply. “We’ll deal with it together.”

**Author's Note:**

> george is okay btw. izzy found them and it was a big affair and george is okay. the men got what they deserved. this fic was mostly supposed to focus on alec's reaction and dealing with his panic and feelings. i also wrote it in like an hour.


End file.
